you've gotta believe it to see it

I'm learning that to be who I want to be, I need to believe it and share it.

Yesterday, while preparing for a 1950s-themed night for the girls, I had the movie "Roman Holiday" with Audrey Hepburn & Gregory Peck playing.



In between my scratch-made baking of cream puffs and chocolate-whipped cream, I watched the behind the scenes extras from the film. There were interviews of actors, notable, versatile, true-to character, actors who lived and breathed acting. They respected the art. They honored the art. They lived the art. They shared their art.

Here is art, something created by God (though we like to take credit for it), and those most passionate about it long to share their innermost treasure. Do we share our innermost passion? Do we share our inner art with the world around us? With anyone around us?

Think of a child who has drawn a picture and eagerly runs to show mom and dad. It's that childlike joy artists own. It must be lived, breathed and shared.

It's that joy I realized I want more of. I want to own it.

The author André Gide said, "Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist does the better."

I want to see more of Christ in me and less of the me I've allowed this world to hurt.

I saw Saturday afternoon, it's going to start with believing in the me God sees.

As a constant reminder, I posted a sign on my front door:


I'm learning that if I want others to see this in me, I need to start by believing it myself.

God made you and me as a breath of fresh air to share.

How can you share life with those around you?

Call me Grace: a quest to end perfection

God, lately You've been showing me a different facet of who You are. First it was with Misty Edwards' sermon on "God Likes Me" ... I initially had a duh moment, but I began to realize I have had and often tend see the wrong image of You.


Your blogger at a church "Bake-Off" session. Placed because it's the little things in life that bring joy.

She talks about something I've struggled with from time to time in life... when I set aside time to pray, I end up begging for forgiveness and pleading with You to help me never to make the same mistake again, fearing You see me as a sinner and nothing more because I keep putting myself back in the same position time after time.

That's not how You see me. That's not the LOVE You love me with. You're greater than that.

While I was a student at Lee, I was told by a few people I respected that my ideas of perfection and the drive I had within me to achieve it would always be a hindrance... My sophomore year, I read Leading with a Limp by Dan Allender in a Mike Hayes leadership class.

I began the journey of seeing my even my faults as tools to be used by God. Sticking a wrench in the Devil's plans for and lies to me, for the first time, was opening my eyes to a life of an overcomer.

Aren't we all called to be an overcomer?

I want to see and realize that when I ask You to come and take over, the mess is no longer in my heart. The icky-black is turned white as snow. And I know You won't allow any temptation (in attitude or in deed) to come into my life that I can't overcome.

Do I even have time in my life, do I even want to, am I at a point where dating would be the next step?

Do I enjoy dating? Sure. Sure because it gives me hope that there actually may be a man out there who is Godly, not perfect, but a man nonetheless who sees his calling as a man as something to be fought for and used to fight with in the Kingdom.

I don't care what he looks like. I don't care what he does. I don't care about his past. I don't care what he drives or where he lives. I don't even care about age anymore.

The only thing I need and am hoping for in a man is that he genuinely love You, making his relationship with You a priority.

That's something I haven't found with anyone I've had a relationship with.

And that's why I need a mini-break, a time of solace with God. If he happens along my path, then it happens. I'm going to relax.

As the woman, I can't be the spiritual leader. It makes a relationship messy and the trust isn't there from my end. Maybe I feel like I can't trust him because he isn't going to You for direction.

In the only two good lessons in the movie Valentine's Day: when Gigi puts her heart on the line in every relationship (try to ignore the clingyness of it) and the man in the end who says to his girlfriend something like, "I realized I want to marry you. Any chance I have at happiness [men and the pursuit of happiness...why?] comes from making you happy and putting you first in my life."

I don't want someone who ranks the pursuit of happiness high on his list (because the more he pursues it the emptier he'll get). I want a man who pursues You and trusts You know best.

But, more and more, I've seen sparks of my former (dare I say) man-hater phase returning, the likes of a person I am no longer and no longer want to know or remember. But, as I get let down more and more, it returns. Really, to bite me lol like I realized it did on a date last week.

All the more reason for me to relax and refresh my heart with You, be entirely entwined in You, so I'll see the real thing when he comes along.

God, I need you to restore the GRACE and the PEACE and the HOPE in me that helped me see You everyday, everywhere and in everything. I want to be quick to forgive, to see, to love, to experience, to treasure, to respect and to discover what You've placed here for me.

Call me Grace. That's how I'll live and breathe and love.

Teach me. Give me hope as I partake in a time of solace with You.

Stepping out of my looking-for box

Somethings, really, lots of things, are unimportant in life.

The must haves I have for the man I'm looking for have changed. Even though somethings that are now off the list were never on it to begin with... I apparently have been choosing guys who could be organized in the same category.

It's those unimportant things I have been (subconsciously) putting on my list and while I was completing that list, I've been stuck with the same problem.

I'd say the problem was their lack of commitment, but I can't classify it under that label. One went so far as to buy a ring. That's out.

I'd say the problem was immaturity. But, lets get real... guys are immature. (If you're a guy reading this, tell me a story why that isn't true.)

Now, I would greatly appreciate a man I could goof off and be myself with, but I haven't dated one close to that yet. I've experienced nothing more than the beginnings of true laughter with guy.

Guys, immaturity as a negative means lack of overall character, not overall fun. When I say immaturity, it involves boys who want a buddy like they once had in childhood. You know the type they would wrestle or play (incessant amounts of) video games or chase girls with?

Boys, the man in you is reeling for the girl chasing to end and the life to begin.

I'm letting you out of the box.

Response to a comment

I heard a comment about my blog today which went something like this:

"Ashley, it's like you're ready to see another bite the dust."

It is difficult to go from one to another; keeping a pure heart and attitude about it is even more difficult.

I know God has a great guy for me and I know He's created me to make one man very happy. But the man I'll end up with will find his happiness and joy in Christ first... and then me... and later a family... and hopefully he'll enjoy his career. Priorities are important and I've learned some may say priorities are in order, but when it comes down to making choices, they are in a tangled mess on the cutting room floor. The man I do marry would certainly feel like he accomplished something!

He's out there and all these frogs will make sense in the long run. Until then, I have learned a lot and grown up quite a bit as well. I'm very thankful for the journey God has me on and I can't wait to see what unfolds in the next chapter.

Thankful

Thankfulness is the state I’m in. At times I feel enveloped in mercy. It’s the mercy of the Lord that has carried me from the me I used to be, the young girl tangled in frivolous notions of perfection and romance.

Walking alongside thankfulness is brokenness. In a season of hesitation and trust, I recognize my shortcomings and weaknesses and I fall prostrate. A great deal (arguably everything unpleasant) of things in my life is the result of me trying to pursue happiness.

When I say frivolous, I mean the pursuit of happiness when You are on the back-burner. That's nothing but aimless.

Moving on, sealing the deal

It's been an interesting few months.


Cody Catherine (little sis), Rebecca Claire (my awesome sister-in-law), Brooke Jennifer (the adorable bride and older sister), me (your bloggette)

I can't wait to move out. I feel like my life is in limbo.
- I'm moving apartments
- Finding a new career
- Possibly beginning a new relationship

Those are huge things. But you know what? I'm so glad it's Nov. 14 and I am not married to the first guy who bought a ring and asked, "Will you?"

It's funny now. He had made such a big deal about when he would ask. He said, "It'll be the best day of your life." What did he mean by that? Because when and how he asked may just as well have been like this, "Hey, you're a girl. I'm a guy. We hang out together. Lets get hitched."

He had bought (what I consider to be) a pricey ring, 5k, and I didn't like it. The only thing I wanted was something unique. Cheap or expensive, I didn't care. He chose the most ordinary ring out there. Smooth.

And the box I called home grew smaller.

We talked more about plans. I mentioned that if he were to stay in the same apartment complex, we'd need to get a 2 instead of a 1 bedroom in Louisville. He acted like I just broke the bank. It was about $100 more a month and it was only for two months... I was getting a job within six weeks (and we weren't concerned about that since he said he had connections). But, he wouldn't have it. He asked his parents to store some of his stuff. He wanted my parents to store most of my things in Tennessee. I offered to sell most of my clothes (thinking he'd say no). He thought it was a great idea and continued to talk with me about getting rid of most of my things somehow. I would completely understand if finances were tight. I've been there. I know how hard things can be. But that wasn't the issue. He made a comfortable living and had quite a lot in savings.

The clincher (the thing I know he would never fix) was his arrogance. He let his true colors shine in his attitude with my aunt and grandmother and later with my brother, Ryan. He was a child stuck in a 29-year-old body. Any ounce of attractiveness I once held for him died in that instant revelation. We were on completely different levels, walks of life, planets, whatever is furthest from the other.

How did he not know this? I think he thought he could control me and fit me into his box of (what he deemed to be) perfection. What an empty life. He said I was the only girl who hadn't hurt him, the only person who didn't wound his heart in some way (reminds me of how southern women will talk about wounding someone's spirit).

I texted him that it wasn't going to work and I would send his ring to him by the next dayt I sent his ring back. and threw out everything that reminded me of him and began the moving on process.

When he asked me to marry him, I had no right to say yes. I'll never say Yes again to an answer I feel uneasy about. I didn't trust him. I know I didn't. But, honestly, I didn't have much hope in men in general, so I just jacked it all up and assumed that was as good as it could get. I planned on that being the way it would be forever, until I realized I'd rather be single my entire life than be stuck in a box, living with an arrogant, unpleasable man.

God, thank You. Thank you for saving me. For healing me. For finding me. For loving me. For opening my eyes in the nick of time.

There's a man out there for me. You somehow have been working behind the scenes for years with us and I'm confident I'll know him in Your perfect timing.

I trust you.

I love God and not knowing what He's up to.