Thankfulness is the state I’m in. At times I feel enveloped in mercy. It’s the mercy of the Lord that has carried me from the me I used to be, the young girl tangled in frivolous notions of perfection and romance.
Walking alongside thankfulness is brokenness. In a season of hesitation and trust, I recognize my shortcomings and weaknesses and I fall prostrate. A great deal (arguably everything unpleasant) of things in my life is the result of me trying to pursue happiness.
When I say frivolous, I mean the pursuit of happiness when You are on the back-burner. That's nothing but aimless.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Moving on, sealing the deal
It's been an interesting few months.
Cody Catherine (little sis), Rebecca Claire (my awesome sister-in-law), Brooke Jennifer (the adorable bride and older sister), me (your bloggette)
I can't wait to move out. I feel like my life is in limbo.
- I'm moving apartments
- Finding a new career
- Possibly beginning a new relationship
Those are huge things. But you know what? I'm so glad it's Nov. 14 and I am not married to the first guy who bought a ring and asked, "Will you?"
It's funny now. He had made such a big deal about when he would ask. He said, "It'll be the best day of your life." What did he mean by that? Because when and how he asked may just as well have been like this, "Hey, you're a girl. I'm a guy. We hang out together. Lets get hitched."
He had bought (what I consider to be) a pricey ring, 5k, and I didn't like it. The only thing I wanted was something unique. Cheap or expensive, I didn't care. He chose the most ordinary ring out there. Smooth.
And the box I called home grew smaller.
We talked more about plans. I mentioned that if he were to stay in the same apartment complex, we'd need to get a 2 instead of a 1 bedroom in Louisville. He acted like I just broke the bank. It was about $100 more a month and it was only for two months... I was getting a job within six weeks (and we weren't concerned about that since he said he had connections). But, he wouldn't have it. He asked his parents to store some of his stuff. He wanted my parents to store most of my things in Tennessee. I offered to sell most of my clothes (thinking he'd say no). He thought it was a great idea and continued to talk with me about getting rid of most of my things somehow. I would completely understand if finances were tight. I've been there. I know how hard things can be. But that wasn't the issue. He made a comfortable living and had quite a lot in savings.
The clincher (the thing I know he would never fix) was his arrogance. He let his true colors shine in his attitude with my aunt and grandmother and later with my brother, Ryan. He was a child stuck in a 29-year-old body. Any ounce of attractiveness I once held for him died in that instant revelation. We were on completely different levels, walks of life, planets, whatever is furthest from the other.
How did he not know this? I think he thought he could control me and fit me into his box of (what he deemed to be) perfection. What an empty life. He said I was the only girl who hadn't hurt him, the only person who didn't wound his heart in some way (reminds me of how southern women will talk about wounding someone's spirit).
I texted him that it wasn't going to work and I would send his ring to him by the next dayt I sent his ring back. and threw out everything that reminded me of him and began the moving on process.
When he asked me to marry him, I had no right to say yes. I'll never say Yes again to an answer I feel uneasy about. I didn't trust him. I know I didn't. But, honestly, I didn't have much hope in men in general, so I just jacked it all up and assumed that was as good as it could get. I planned on that being the way it would be forever, until I realized I'd rather be single my entire life than be stuck in a box, living with an arrogant, unpleasable man.
God, thank You. Thank you for saving me. For healing me. For finding me. For loving me. For opening my eyes in the nick of time.
There's a man out there for me. You somehow have been working behind the scenes for years with us and I'm confident I'll know him in Your perfect timing.
I trust you.
Cody Catherine (little sis), Rebecca Claire (my awesome sister-in-law), Brooke Jennifer (the adorable bride and older sister), me (your bloggette)
I can't wait to move out. I feel like my life is in limbo.
- I'm moving apartments
- Finding a new career
- Possibly beginning a new relationship
Those are huge things. But you know what? I'm so glad it's Nov. 14 and I am not married to the first guy who bought a ring and asked, "Will you?"
It's funny now. He had made such a big deal about when he would ask. He said, "It'll be the best day of your life." What did he mean by that? Because when and how he asked may just as well have been like this, "Hey, you're a girl. I'm a guy. We hang out together. Lets get hitched."
He had bought (what I consider to be) a pricey ring, 5k, and I didn't like it. The only thing I wanted was something unique. Cheap or expensive, I didn't care. He chose the most ordinary ring out there. Smooth.
And the box I called home grew smaller.
We talked more about plans. I mentioned that if he were to stay in the same apartment complex, we'd need to get a 2 instead of a 1 bedroom in Louisville. He acted like I just broke the bank. It was about $100 more a month and it was only for two months... I was getting a job within six weeks (and we weren't concerned about that since he said he had connections). But, he wouldn't have it. He asked his parents to store some of his stuff. He wanted my parents to store most of my things in Tennessee. I offered to sell most of my clothes (thinking he'd say no). He thought it was a great idea and continued to talk with me about getting rid of most of my things somehow. I would completely understand if finances were tight. I've been there. I know how hard things can be. But that wasn't the issue. He made a comfortable living and had quite a lot in savings.
The clincher (the thing I know he would never fix) was his arrogance. He let his true colors shine in his attitude with my aunt and grandmother and later with my brother, Ryan. He was a child stuck in a 29-year-old body. Any ounce of attractiveness I once held for him died in that instant revelation. We were on completely different levels, walks of life, planets, whatever is furthest from the other.
How did he not know this? I think he thought he could control me and fit me into his box of (what he deemed to be) perfection. What an empty life. He said I was the only girl who hadn't hurt him, the only person who didn't wound his heart in some way (reminds me of how southern women will talk about wounding someone's spirit).
I texted him that it wasn't going to work and I would send his ring to him by the next dayt I sent his ring back. and threw out everything that reminded me of him and began the moving on process.
When he asked me to marry him, I had no right to say yes. I'll never say Yes again to an answer I feel uneasy about. I didn't trust him. I know I didn't. But, honestly, I didn't have much hope in men in general, so I just jacked it all up and assumed that was as good as it could get. I planned on that being the way it would be forever, until I realized I'd rather be single my entire life than be stuck in a box, living with an arrogant, unpleasable man.
God, thank You. Thank you for saving me. For healing me. For finding me. For loving me. For opening my eyes in the nick of time.
There's a man out there for me. You somehow have been working behind the scenes for years with us and I'm confident I'll know him in Your perfect timing.
I trust you.
Saturday, September 04, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
End of the engagement
something changed today. i feel like i have a new sense of who i am, what i'm about and where i'm going.
Thank You, God for opening my eyes, my heart and my mind to the beauty of who You are and where You long for me to be. In Your arms. In Your love.
I love You. You're truer than any (almost) lover. Your love is pure, hopeful and genuine. That's only to name three traits... there are so many more. But those three are three that were difficult for this last man, Marketing Guy (some called him Capt. America).
I didn't see it right away. In fact, I didn't see his stubbornness and cold heart toward You until it was nearly too late. I didn't see how childish he was in relationships and his views on leadership until today, three months into the relationship and two weeks into our engagement. Thank You for godly leadership and council. I am forever thankful.
I feel a stronger pull toward Your way. Lord, I'm all Yours. Every part of me. Make me wholly Yours. I am Yours and no one else's. I belong to You, Lover of my soul. Keeper of my heart's treasures and soul's longings. You are beautiful to me and I'm excited to see where You lead me.
I know You have an incredible man in store for me,
a man who will see the mission we have as a couple,
who won't be offended when he's told there's more potential to his faith, there's so much closer he can be to You
who will be mature in his relationships with other people because he recognizes the importance of keeping solid, deep and strong relationships by being plugged into his church
who knows what it is to love
who knows that in loving a woman, driving four hours is nothing, money is nothing... loving the woman is everything
He's there. He's out there. I'll do everything I can to make sure I'm ready when he comes my way and we embark on the mission you have in place for us, Lord. I'm Yours today and I'll be Yours with him. I'm Yours forever. Lead me. You know me better than even I know myself.
Thank You, God for opening my eyes, my heart and my mind to the beauty of who You are and where You long for me to be. In Your arms. In Your love.
I love You. You're truer than any (almost) lover. Your love is pure, hopeful and genuine. That's only to name three traits... there are so many more. But those three are three that were difficult for this last man, Marketing Guy (some called him Capt. America).
I didn't see it right away. In fact, I didn't see his stubbornness and cold heart toward You until it was nearly too late. I didn't see how childish he was in relationships and his views on leadership until today, three months into the relationship and two weeks into our engagement. Thank You for godly leadership and council. I am forever thankful.
I feel a stronger pull toward Your way. Lord, I'm all Yours. Every part of me. Make me wholly Yours. I am Yours and no one else's. I belong to You, Lover of my soul. Keeper of my heart's treasures and soul's longings. You are beautiful to me and I'm excited to see where You lead me.
I know You have an incredible man in store for me,
a man who will see the mission we have as a couple,
who won't be offended when he's told there's more potential to his faith, there's so much closer he can be to You
who will be mature in his relationships with other people because he recognizes the importance of keeping solid, deep and strong relationships by being plugged into his church
who knows what it is to love
who knows that in loving a woman, driving four hours is nothing, money is nothing... loving the woman is everything
He's there. He's out there. I'll do everything I can to make sure I'm ready when he comes my way and we embark on the mission you have in place for us, Lord. I'm Yours today and I'll be Yours with him. I'm Yours forever. Lead me. You know me better than even I know myself.
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Any man who abuses his wife is scum.
Apparently, that's some big debate to some folks out there.
A guy I was talking to from Commerce, Ga., Taylor, said he believed that a spouse who hit the other was still mandated to stay in that marriage -- even if beaten to a bloody pulp.
I'm a realist, apparently. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and the purity of it. I said, point blank, I will divorce that sucker in a heartbeat ... not just for me, but for my children.
He said it is more important to stay in a marriage and be beaten than to divorce. He cited scripture -– Matt 5 and 1 Peter.
I said, "Look, I am weirded out [to say the least] that we're even having this conversation."
I got the feeling that he planned to hit me if we tied the knot.
He said hoopla about how if scripture doesn't say to divorce because of abuse [like with infidelity] then it's a sin to divorce.
I said well I'm not marrying anyone who thinks its going to be a hail Mary to get out of hitting me and "earn" my forgiveness.
I felt like hurling.
What made it odder -- he seemed really fun and conservative. Go figure.
Perhaps I should have noticed more when he said he didn't watch TV, movies or have internet.
My sister and roommate said he's a "fundamentalist looney."
I've decided I'm going to marry a man with a brain and common sense.
A guy I was talking to from Commerce, Ga., Taylor, said he believed that a spouse who hit the other was still mandated to stay in that marriage -- even if beaten to a bloody pulp.
I'm a realist, apparently. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and the purity of it. I said, point blank, I will divorce that sucker in a heartbeat ... not just for me, but for my children.
He said it is more important to stay in a marriage and be beaten than to divorce. He cited scripture -– Matt 5 and 1 Peter.
I said, "Look, I am weirded out [to say the least] that we're even having this conversation."
I got the feeling that he planned to hit me if we tied the knot.
He said hoopla about how if scripture doesn't say to divorce because of abuse [like with infidelity] then it's a sin to divorce.
I said well I'm not marrying anyone who thinks its going to be a hail Mary to get out of hitting me and "earn" my forgiveness.
I felt like hurling.
What made it odder -- he seemed really fun and conservative. Go figure.
Perhaps I should have noticed more when he said he didn't watch TV, movies or have internet.
My sister and roommate said he's a "fundamentalist looney."
I've decided I'm going to marry a man with a brain and common sense.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Online Date #6
A couple nights ago, Thursday, May 6, I met a 29 year old church organist who recently moved here from Tulsa, Okla.
Sounded potentially good. Promising. His photos on christianmingle.com were attractive. It sure does amaze me how different guys can look from a photo.
This one was no exception.
His name is Jon with a last name similar to Taylor.
I said no to dinner and a movie, but yes to dinner. He chose Panera.
It went from odd -– when I first met him and he was shorter and smaller than he looked in his photos -– to bazaar. I've never heard anyone other than a flamboyantly gay man formulate words the way he did.
Perhaps my cousin Katie could mimic it. She's awfully good at impersonations.
The conversation went from blabbering to confessions.
I asked when his last relationship was and how long it was.
It was about a year ago. It lasted two years. He was engaged. She broke up with him.
Then, I stumbled over my words and asked if he was engaged before then.
He was shocked, "You're such a good reporter! Whoa! Whoa! How did you know?"
Feeling he was about to seal his fate, I had to agree: I'm a dang good reporter lol.
Just when I was trying to see if it could work out (even though I wasn't attracted to this guy whatsoever), he blew it.
Apparently he dated this girl for five years and was engaged for nearly 8 months. She had cerebral palsy, and was on oxygen at the end of their engagement. She broke up with him. Married another guy 8 months later.
It was over for me. Maybe if it were another guy, I may have been touched that he loved a girl with cerebral palsy.
Oh yes, I remember now (as if that didn't do it for me). He mentioned that he still loves the second girl. Yikes.
I've learned, yet again, I'm going to marry a ridiculously good looking man with a razor-sharp smarts.
I'll gladly wait for him : )
Sounded potentially good. Promising. His photos on christianmingle.com were attractive. It sure does amaze me how different guys can look from a photo.
This one was no exception.
His name is Jon with a last name similar to Taylor.
I said no to dinner and a movie, but yes to dinner. He chose Panera.
It went from odd -– when I first met him and he was shorter and smaller than he looked in his photos -– to bazaar. I've never heard anyone other than a flamboyantly gay man formulate words the way he did.
Perhaps my cousin Katie could mimic it. She's awfully good at impersonations.
The conversation went from blabbering to confessions.
I asked when his last relationship was and how long it was.
It was about a year ago. It lasted two years. He was engaged. She broke up with him.
Then, I stumbled over my words and asked if he was engaged before then.
He was shocked, "You're such a good reporter! Whoa! Whoa! How did you know?"
Feeling he was about to seal his fate, I had to agree: I'm a dang good reporter lol.
Just when I was trying to see if it could work out (even though I wasn't attracted to this guy whatsoever), he blew it.
Apparently he dated this girl for five years and was engaged for nearly 8 months. She had cerebral palsy, and was on oxygen at the end of their engagement. She broke up with him. Married another guy 8 months later.
It was over for me. Maybe if it were another guy, I may have been touched that he loved a girl with cerebral palsy.
Oh yes, I remember now (as if that didn't do it for me). He mentioned that he still loves the second girl. Yikes.
I've learned, yet again, I'm going to marry a ridiculously good looking man with a razor-sharp smarts.
I'll gladly wait for him : )
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Online Date #5
I got all dolled up tonight, getting ready to meet a type face designer, J.D. He seemed pretty great from his e-mails and deep, thought provoking discussions on the Christian faith. I learned, perhaps too deep.
I wore a cutesy, sleeveless black and cream striped dress with a black band on-top and a light touch of black beads at the neckline. My heels were black with a pleated toe. Feeling a little vulnerable, I grabbed my leather jacket.
I drove to meet him at Starbucks off Cedar Bluff Road in Knoxville. He also dressed up. Okay, he won some initial points. After small talk, he offered to buy me a coffee. It was 6 p.m., so I opted for a black and white hot chocolate. He ordered the same.
First thing I noticed, he didn't smile much. For a guy so devoted to the Lord, I thought he'd smile more. Nope.
He asked to sit outside. After some initial theological questions, he asked why I joined Match.com
I hadn't started dating until I was nearly 21. Before then, I was focused on the Lord and my studies and thought I wouldn't marry. I neglected to share my "man hater" phase "thanks to Grandma's advice.
I also said I knew I was ready, mature enough to start dating. The purpose I have in dating is to find the guy God wants me to be with.
Then he asked what I was looking for, that answer led to the discovery.
It was 7 p.m. and it felt like I was going to have a long recovery from this online adventure.
As it turns out, he believes "miracles" today are actually explainable through natural means. (Even though doctors and scientists can't explain it, at all). He thinks God magically stopped working miracles and stopped speaking to us after the Bible was written. I asked him if he had read in the Bible that God "stopped." He admitted he didn't have a complete understanding of that.
I said, well it's important to me, that my husband be able to pray for our the healing of our children... rather than a quick train to Heaven.
It was nice to have met him, get to know him a bit. I was even more glad he was up front! Some guys aren't good about that. I congratulated him on that.
Other than the healing, he was quite gnostic. I felt like a sinner for sipping my hot chocolate before he asked to pray.
We parted ways. I want a manly man. He wasn't that for me.
I'm off to Ben and Jerry's in Bearden. Holla.
I wore a cutesy, sleeveless black and cream striped dress with a black band on-top and a light touch of black beads at the neckline. My heels were black with a pleated toe. Feeling a little vulnerable, I grabbed my leather jacket.
I drove to meet him at Starbucks off Cedar Bluff Road in Knoxville. He also dressed up. Okay, he won some initial points. After small talk, he offered to buy me a coffee. It was 6 p.m., so I opted for a black and white hot chocolate. He ordered the same.
First thing I noticed, he didn't smile much. For a guy so devoted to the Lord, I thought he'd smile more. Nope.
He asked to sit outside. After some initial theological questions, he asked why I joined Match.com
I hadn't started dating until I was nearly 21. Before then, I was focused on the Lord and my studies and thought I wouldn't marry. I neglected to share my "man hater" phase "thanks to Grandma's advice.
I also said I knew I was ready, mature enough to start dating. The purpose I have in dating is to find the guy God wants me to be with.
Then he asked what I was looking for, that answer led to the discovery.
It was 7 p.m. and it felt like I was going to have a long recovery from this online adventure.
As it turns out, he believes "miracles" today are actually explainable through natural means. (Even though doctors and scientists can't explain it, at all). He thinks God magically stopped working miracles and stopped speaking to us after the Bible was written. I asked him if he had read in the Bible that God "stopped." He admitted he didn't have a complete understanding of that.
I said, well it's important to me, that my husband be able to pray for our the healing of our children... rather than a quick train to Heaven.
It was nice to have met him, get to know him a bit. I was even more glad he was up front! Some guys aren't good about that. I congratulated him on that.
Other than the healing, he was quite gnostic. I felt like a sinner for sipping my hot chocolate before he asked to pray.
We parted ways. I want a manly man. He wasn't that for me.
I'm off to Ben and Jerry's in Bearden. Holla.
Friday, April 02, 2010
After meeting with Grandma about The Dentist
I met with Grandma today, after work at the press. She couldn't believe he could be so stupid. Stupid. Stupid. The whole family knows already. She said I don't have enough self worth because I agreed to a week and a half of separation.
I wouldn't have agreed to it if I didn't think it was the right thing to do.
When we got in the car from B&N, and I said this was going to be our last conversation, he looked devasted. He took his hat off, he didn't know what to say. I don't know, maybe it's a show.
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. Other than, I need to start moving on.
MOVE ON.
Grandma said he's blind - I have everything going for me, why blow it with this guy who's too fickle in making up his mind.
He really made me feel worthless. How can a guy be so undecisive? I've not had that before. As grandma said, they line up for me.
I did have too many rules, for a 23 year old, an adult, too many rules.
She said I need to let a guy know he can call late, when he can't sleep.
I'll do things differently for sure. It's just this time around, with The Dentist, it felt like he wanted those guidelines too. I didn't feel like I was pressuring him at all; he reinforced them.
There is no way I'd say okay, cool, yeah, lets date now. I'm so in. He'll have to work for it, and he'll have to win back the family too. I can't believe he did this. Things could have been perfect.
So, I'm not going to wait around for him. I'm moving on. I'm not holding out for him. I'll act like he doesn't exist, because he already proved he wasn't the great guy I thought he was.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)