I love God and not knowing what He's up to.

End of the engagement

something changed today. i feel like i have a new sense of who i am, what i'm about and where i'm going.

Thank You, God for opening my eyes, my heart and my mind to the beauty of who You are and where You long for me to be. In Your arms. In Your love.

I love You. You're truer than any (almost) lover. Your love is pure, hopeful and genuine. That's only to name three traits... there are so many more. But those three are three that were difficult for this last man, Marketing Guy (some called him Capt. America).

I didn't see it right away. In fact, I didn't see his stubbornness and cold heart toward You until it was nearly too late. I didn't see how childish he was in relationships and his views on leadership until today, three months into the relationship and two weeks into our engagement. Thank You for godly leadership and council. I am forever thankful.

I feel a stronger pull toward Your way. Lord, I'm all Yours. Every part of me. Make me wholly Yours. I am Yours and no one else's. I belong to You, Lover of my soul. Keeper of my heart's treasures and soul's longings. You are beautiful to me and I'm excited to see where You lead me.

I know You have an incredible man in store for me,
a man who will see the mission we have as a couple,
who won't be offended when he's told there's more potential to his faith, there's so much closer he can be to You
who will be mature in his relationships with other people because he recognizes the importance of keeping solid, deep and strong relationships by being plugged into his church
who knows what it is to love
who knows that in loving a woman, driving four hours is nothing, money is nothing... loving the woman is everything

He's there. He's out there. I'll do everything I can to make sure I'm ready when he comes my way and we embark on the mission you have in place for us, Lord. I'm Yours today and I'll be Yours with him. I'm Yours forever. Lead me. You know me better than even I know myself.

Any man who abuses his wife is scum.

Apparently, that's some big debate to some folks out there.

A guy I was talking to from Commerce, Ga., Taylor, said he believed that a spouse who hit the other was still mandated to stay in that marriage -- even if beaten to a bloody pulp.

I'm a realist, apparently. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and the purity of it. I said, point blank, I will divorce that sucker in a heartbeat ... not just for me, but for my children.

He said it is more important to stay in a marriage and be beaten than to divorce. He cited scripture -– Matt 5 and 1 Peter.

I said, "Look, I am weirded out [to say the least] that we're even having this conversation."

I got the feeling that he planned to hit me if we tied the knot.

He said hoopla about how if scripture doesn't say to divorce because of abuse [like with infidelity] then it's a sin to divorce.

I said well I'm not marrying anyone who thinks its going to be a hail Mary to get out of hitting me and "earn" my forgiveness.

I felt like hurling.

What made it odder -- he seemed really fun and conservative. Go figure.

Perhaps I should have noticed more when he said he didn't watch TV, movies or have internet.

My sister and roommate said he's a "fundamentalist looney."

I've decided I'm going to marry a man with a brain and common sense.

Online Date #6

A couple nights ago, Thursday, May 6, I met a 29 year old church organist who recently moved here from Tulsa, Okla.

Sounded potentially good. Promising. His photos on christianmingle.com were attractive. It sure does amaze me how different guys can look from a photo.
This one was no exception.

His name is Jon with a last name similar to Taylor.

I said no to dinner and a movie, but yes to dinner. He chose Panera.

It went from odd -– when I first met him and he was shorter and smaller than he looked in his photos -– to bazaar. I've never heard anyone other than a flamboyantly gay man formulate words the way he did.

Perhaps my cousin Katie could mimic it. She's awfully good at impersonations.

The conversation went from blabbering to confessions.

I asked when his last relationship was and how long it was.

It was about a year ago. It lasted two years. He was engaged. She broke up with him.

Then, I stumbled over my words and asked if he was engaged before then.

He was shocked, "You're such a good reporter! Whoa! Whoa! How did you know?"

Feeling he was about to seal his fate, I had to agree: I'm a dang good reporter lol.

Just when I was trying to see if it could work out (even though I wasn't attracted to this guy whatsoever), he blew it.

Apparently he dated this girl for five years and was engaged for nearly 8 months. She had cerebral palsy, and was on oxygen at the end of their engagement. She broke up with him. Married another guy 8 months later.

It was over for me. Maybe if it were another guy, I may have been touched that he loved a girl with cerebral palsy.

Oh yes, I remember now (as if that didn't do it for me). He mentioned that he still loves the second girl. Yikes.

I've learned, yet again, I'm going to marry a ridiculously good looking man with a razor-sharp smarts.

I'll gladly wait for him : )

Online Date #5

I got all dolled up tonight, getting ready to meet a type face designer, J.D. He seemed pretty great from his e-mails and deep, thought provoking discussions on the Christian faith. I learned, perhaps too deep.

I wore a cutesy, sleeveless black and cream striped dress with a black band on-top and a light touch of black beads at the neckline. My heels were black with a pleated toe. Feeling a little vulnerable, I grabbed my leather jacket.

I drove to meet him at Starbucks off Cedar Bluff Road in Knoxville. He also dressed up. Okay, he won some initial points. After small talk, he offered to buy me a coffee. It was 6 p.m., so I opted for a black and white hot chocolate. He ordered the same.
First thing I noticed, he didn't smile much. For a guy so devoted to the Lord, I thought he'd smile more. Nope.

He asked to sit outside. After some initial theological questions, he asked why I joined Match.com

I hadn't started dating until I was nearly 21. Before then, I was focused on the Lord and my studies and thought I wouldn't marry. I neglected to share my "man hater" phase "thanks to Grandma's advice.

I also said I knew I was ready, mature enough to start dating. The purpose I have in dating is to find the guy God wants me to be with.

Then he asked what I was looking for, that answer led to the discovery.

It was 7 p.m. and it felt like I was going to have a long recovery from this online adventure.

As it turns out, he believes "miracles" today are actually explainable through natural means. (Even though doctors and scientists can't explain it, at all). He thinks God magically stopped working miracles and stopped speaking to us after the Bible was written. I asked him if he had read in the Bible that God "stopped." He admitted he didn't have a complete understanding of that.

I said, well it's important to me, that my husband be able to pray for our the healing of our children... rather than a quick train to Heaven.

It was nice to have met him, get to know him a bit. I was even more glad he was up front! Some guys aren't good about that. I congratulated him on that.

Other than the healing, he was quite gnostic. I felt like a sinner for sipping my hot chocolate before he asked to pray.

We parted ways. I want a manly man. He wasn't that for me.

I'm off to Ben and Jerry's in Bearden. Holla.

After meeting with Grandma about The Dentist

I met with Grandma today, after work at the press. She couldn't believe he could be so stupid. Stupid. Stupid. The whole family knows already. She said I don't have enough self worth because I agreed to a week and a half of separation.

I wouldn't have agreed to it if I didn't think it was the right thing to do.

When we got in the car from B&N, and I said this was going to be our last conversation, he looked devasted. He took his hat off, he didn't know what to say. I don't know, maybe it's a show.

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. Other than, I need to start moving on.

MOVE ON.

Grandma said he's blind - I have everything going for me, why blow it with this guy who's too fickle in making up his mind.

He really made me feel worthless. How can a guy be so undecisive? I've not had that before. As grandma said, they line up for me.

I did have too many rules, for a 23 year old, an adult, too many rules.

She said I need to let a guy know he can call late, when he can't sleep.

I'll do things differently for sure. It's just this time around, with The Dentist, it felt like he wanted those guidelines too. I didn't feel like I was pressuring him at all; he reinforced them.

There is no way I'd say okay, cool, yeah, lets date now. I'm so in. He'll have to work for it, and he'll have to win back the family too. I can't believe he did this. Things could have been perfect.

So, I'm not going to wait around for him. I'm moving on. I'm not holding out for him. I'll act like he doesn't exist, because he already proved he wasn't the great guy I thought he was.

Happy 22nd Birthday to me!

Twenty two is a great age. I love gaining years, growing old. I was watching a business improvement show the other day called Peter Perfect. A designer named Peter comes to businesses to remodel and improve their sales. The episode I saw was about a coffee shop run by a forty-something married couple. The husband focused on roasting the beans and the wholesale side of the business, while his wife wanted to make the retail (coffee shop) more of a staple in the community (and therefore help their family monetarily). Everything and everyone had a make-over. Peter told the business owner/husband he needed his hair dyed - the owner said, "but I've earned that." The look in his eye when he said that, made it very clear he meant what he said. I couldn't help but think of all the years in a life, why men and women alike say when they are under stress they either grey or lose their hair. It's said that a women's hair is her crown and glory.

Abby took me out for breakfast this morning at a place in downtown Market Square, Cafe4. Ran into Jen Smith (who I worked with at both TCBY & Border's Bookstore years ago). She makes a mean Peppermint Mocha and was super sweet to surprise me with a cookie in honor of my birthday. She's one of the friendliest Christians I've ever met (it was a joy to work with her). Learning or trying to be a good barista is tough work - let me tell you! It was great running into her on my birthday though...the cookie was like frosting on the cake.

Abby and I took a walk in the Square and I couldn't help but think as I looked around at the seniors walking with their canes or taking a gentle jog along Gay Street, that reading a good book early one morning would be magical & well worth it. I must do that someday. Life is beautiful.

Interesting To-Do Lists : )
10 Things To-Do before you're 30
100 things to do before you die. . .
My50.com (very interesting!!)