Cody Catherine (little sis), Rebecca Claire (my awesome sister-in-law), Brooke Jennifer (the adorable bride and older sister), me (your bloggette)
I can't wait to move out. I feel like my life is in limbo.
- I'm moving apartments
- Finding a new career
- Possibly beginning a new relationship
Those are huge things. But you know what? I'm so glad it's Nov. 14 and I am not married to the first guy who bought a ring and asked, "Will you?"
It's funny now. He had made such a big deal about when he would ask. He said, "It'll be the best day of your life." What did he mean by that? Because when and how he asked may just as well have been like this, "Hey, you're a girl. I'm a guy. We hang out together. Lets get hitched."
He had bought (what I consider to be) a pricey ring, 5k, and I didn't like it. The only thing I wanted was something unique. Cheap or expensive, I didn't care. He chose the most ordinary ring out there. Smooth.
And the box I called home grew smaller.
We talked more about plans. I mentioned that if he were to stay in the same apartment complex, we'd need to get a 2 instead of a 1 bedroom in Louisville. He acted like I just broke the bank. It was about $100 more a month and it was only for two months... I was getting a job within six weeks (and we weren't concerned about that since he said he had connections). But, he wouldn't have it. He asked his parents to store some of his stuff. He wanted my parents to store most of my things in Tennessee. I offered to sell most of my clothes (thinking he'd say no). He thought it was a great idea and continued to talk with me about getting rid of most of my things somehow. I would completely understand if finances were tight. I've been there. I know how hard things can be. But that wasn't the issue. He made a comfortable living and had quite a lot in savings.
The clincher (the thing I know he would never fix) was his arrogance. He let his true colors shine in his attitude with my aunt and grandmother and later with my brother, Ryan. He was a child stuck in a 29-year-old body. Any ounce of attractiveness I once held for him died in that instant revelation. We were on completely different levels, walks of life, planets, whatever is furthest from the other.
How did he not know this? I think he thought he could control me and fit me into his box of (what he deemed to be) perfection. What an empty life. He said I was the only girl who hadn't hurt him, the only person who didn't wound his heart in some way (reminds me of how southern women will talk about wounding someone's spirit).
I texted him that it wasn't going to work and I would send his ring to him by the next dayt I sent his ring back. and threw out everything that reminded me of him and began the moving on process.
When he asked me to marry him, I had no right to say yes. I'll never say Yes again to an answer I feel uneasy about. I didn't trust him. I know I didn't. But, honestly, I didn't have much hope in men in general, so I just jacked it all up and assumed that was as good as it could get. I planned on that being the way it would be forever, until I realized I'd rather be single my entire life than be stuck in a box, living with an arrogant, unpleasable man.
God, thank You. Thank you for saving me. For healing me. For finding me. For loving me. For opening my eyes in the nick of time.
There's a man out there for me. You somehow have been working behind the scenes for years with us and I'm confident I'll know him in Your perfect timing.
I trust you.
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