Stepping out of my looking-for box

Somethings, really, lots of things, are unimportant in life.

The must haves I have for the man I'm looking for have changed. Even though somethings that are now off the list were never on it to begin with... I apparently have been choosing guys who could be organized in the same category.

It's those unimportant things I have been (subconsciously) putting on my list and while I was completing that list, I've been stuck with the same problem.

I'd say the problem was their lack of commitment, but I can't classify it under that label. One went so far as to buy a ring. That's out.

I'd say the problem was immaturity. But, lets get real... guys are immature. (If you're a guy reading this, tell me a story why that isn't true.)

Now, I would greatly appreciate a man I could goof off and be myself with, but I haven't dated one close to that yet. I've experienced nothing more than the beginnings of true laughter with guy.

Guys, immaturity as a negative means lack of overall character, not overall fun. When I say immaturity, it involves boys who want a buddy like they once had in childhood. You know the type they would wrestle or play (incessant amounts of) video games or chase girls with?

Boys, the man in you is reeling for the girl chasing to end and the life to begin.

I'm letting you out of the box.

Response to a comment

I heard a comment about my blog today which went something like this:

"Ashley, it's like you're ready to see another bite the dust."

It is difficult to go from one to another; keeping a pure heart and attitude about it is even more difficult.

I know God has a great guy for me and I know He's created me to make one man very happy. But the man I'll end up with will find his happiness and joy in Christ first... and then me... and later a family... and hopefully he'll enjoy his career. Priorities are important and I've learned some may say priorities are in order, but when it comes down to making choices, they are in a tangled mess on the cutting room floor. The man I do marry would certainly feel like he accomplished something!

He's out there and all these frogs will make sense in the long run. Until then, I have learned a lot and grown up quite a bit as well. I'm very thankful for the journey God has me on and I can't wait to see what unfolds in the next chapter.

Thankful

Thankfulness is the state I’m in. At times I feel enveloped in mercy. It’s the mercy of the Lord that has carried me from the me I used to be, the young girl tangled in frivolous notions of perfection and romance.

Walking alongside thankfulness is brokenness. In a season of hesitation and trust, I recognize my shortcomings and weaknesses and I fall prostrate. A great deal (arguably everything unpleasant) of things in my life is the result of me trying to pursue happiness.

When I say frivolous, I mean the pursuit of happiness when You are on the back-burner. That's nothing but aimless.

Moving on, sealing the deal

It's been an interesting few months.


Cody Catherine (little sis), Rebecca Claire (my awesome sister-in-law), Brooke Jennifer (the adorable bride and older sister), me (your bloggette)

I can't wait to move out. I feel like my life is in limbo.
- I'm moving apartments
- Finding a new career
- Possibly beginning a new relationship

Those are huge things. But you know what? I'm so glad it's Nov. 14 and I am not married to the first guy who bought a ring and asked, "Will you?"

It's funny now. He had made such a big deal about when he would ask. He said, "It'll be the best day of your life." What did he mean by that? Because when and how he asked may just as well have been like this, "Hey, you're a girl. I'm a guy. We hang out together. Lets get hitched."

He had bought (what I consider to be) a pricey ring, 5k, and I didn't like it. The only thing I wanted was something unique. Cheap or expensive, I didn't care. He chose the most ordinary ring out there. Smooth.

And the box I called home grew smaller.

We talked more about plans. I mentioned that if he were to stay in the same apartment complex, we'd need to get a 2 instead of a 1 bedroom in Louisville. He acted like I just broke the bank. It was about $100 more a month and it was only for two months... I was getting a job within six weeks (and we weren't concerned about that since he said he had connections). But, he wouldn't have it. He asked his parents to store some of his stuff. He wanted my parents to store most of my things in Tennessee. I offered to sell most of my clothes (thinking he'd say no). He thought it was a great idea and continued to talk with me about getting rid of most of my things somehow. I would completely understand if finances were tight. I've been there. I know how hard things can be. But that wasn't the issue. He made a comfortable living and had quite a lot in savings.

The clincher (the thing I know he would never fix) was his arrogance. He let his true colors shine in his attitude with my aunt and grandmother and later with my brother, Ryan. He was a child stuck in a 29-year-old body. Any ounce of attractiveness I once held for him died in that instant revelation. We were on completely different levels, walks of life, planets, whatever is furthest from the other.

How did he not know this? I think he thought he could control me and fit me into his box of (what he deemed to be) perfection. What an empty life. He said I was the only girl who hadn't hurt him, the only person who didn't wound his heart in some way (reminds me of how southern women will talk about wounding someone's spirit).

I texted him that it wasn't going to work and I would send his ring to him by the next dayt I sent his ring back. and threw out everything that reminded me of him and began the moving on process.

When he asked me to marry him, I had no right to say yes. I'll never say Yes again to an answer I feel uneasy about. I didn't trust him. I know I didn't. But, honestly, I didn't have much hope in men in general, so I just jacked it all up and assumed that was as good as it could get. I planned on that being the way it would be forever, until I realized I'd rather be single my entire life than be stuck in a box, living with an arrogant, unpleasable man.

God, thank You. Thank you for saving me. For healing me. For finding me. For loving me. For opening my eyes in the nick of time.

There's a man out there for me. You somehow have been working behind the scenes for years with us and I'm confident I'll know him in Your perfect timing.

I trust you.

I love God and not knowing what He's up to.

End of the engagement

something changed today. i feel like i have a new sense of who i am, what i'm about and where i'm going.

Thank You, God for opening my eyes, my heart and my mind to the beauty of who You are and where You long for me to be. In Your arms. In Your love.

I love You. You're truer than any (almost) lover. Your love is pure, hopeful and genuine. That's only to name three traits... there are so many more. But those three are three that were difficult for this last man, Marketing Guy (some called him Capt. America).

I didn't see it right away. In fact, I didn't see his stubbornness and cold heart toward You until it was nearly too late. I didn't see how childish he was in relationships and his views on leadership until today, three months into the relationship and two weeks into our engagement. Thank You for godly leadership and council. I am forever thankful.

I feel a stronger pull toward Your way. Lord, I'm all Yours. Every part of me. Make me wholly Yours. I am Yours and no one else's. I belong to You, Lover of my soul. Keeper of my heart's treasures and soul's longings. You are beautiful to me and I'm excited to see where You lead me.

I know You have an incredible man in store for me,
a man who will see the mission we have as a couple,
who won't be offended when he's told there's more potential to his faith, there's so much closer he can be to You
who will be mature in his relationships with other people because he recognizes the importance of keeping solid, deep and strong relationships by being plugged into his church
who knows what it is to love
who knows that in loving a woman, driving four hours is nothing, money is nothing... loving the woman is everything

He's there. He's out there. I'll do everything I can to make sure I'm ready when he comes my way and we embark on the mission you have in place for us, Lord. I'm Yours today and I'll be Yours with him. I'm Yours forever. Lead me. You know me better than even I know myself.

Any man who abuses his wife is scum.

Apparently, that's some big debate to some folks out there.

A guy I was talking to from Commerce, Ga., Taylor, said he believed that a spouse who hit the other was still mandated to stay in that marriage -- even if beaten to a bloody pulp.

I'm a realist, apparently. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and the purity of it. I said, point blank, I will divorce that sucker in a heartbeat ... not just for me, but for my children.

He said it is more important to stay in a marriage and be beaten than to divorce. He cited scripture -– Matt 5 and 1 Peter.

I said, "Look, I am weirded out [to say the least] that we're even having this conversation."

I got the feeling that he planned to hit me if we tied the knot.

He said hoopla about how if scripture doesn't say to divorce because of abuse [like with infidelity] then it's a sin to divorce.

I said well I'm not marrying anyone who thinks its going to be a hail Mary to get out of hitting me and "earn" my forgiveness.

I felt like hurling.

What made it odder -- he seemed really fun and conservative. Go figure.

Perhaps I should have noticed more when he said he didn't watch TV, movies or have internet.

My sister and roommate said he's a "fundamentalist looney."

I've decided I'm going to marry a man with a brain and common sense.